Breaking up with Uni felt really good, like fresh air after a whole day in a gloomy open-space cubicle, where neon lights play the sun and electric fans the wind.
All of a sudden, it was OK to open my imagination to new horizons, to envisage new ambitions. I actually started ...dreaming!!... Maybe I could try to go back to Britain, to look for what I liked so much there. Maybe I could try to apply for jobs there, and enjoy the open-mindedness my own country lacks so much.
Quickly enough, my little dreams started flying around. Exeter Uni, my old flame, was looking for a French teacher. Amazing how I corresponded to the description of their ideal applicant. Wonderful that I could fly out easily for the interview, should I be shortlisted. Fantastic that my British friends would all be back from their year abroad.
I filled out the application pack, they invited me to an interview. Being in Exeter made me feel like I could still belong here. The streets were familiar, people were still friendly and helpful. The interview went well.
And right there, at the peak of my dreaming ecstasy, an unexpected arrest. Damn it! The ambition police!
"Miss, can we please see your dreaming licence?
-Erm, yes, sure, erm, here 'tis...
-Miss, you can't dream so fast! You failed to take the reality check-up exam. You need a visa from the Down-to-Earth Office. You'll be fined. You'll have to pay us back in two different payments. Please be more careful now."
The first bit of the fine was a massive panick attack. What if I felt just as lonely here? What if leaving my closest friends and my family while I still felt a bit shaky from the break-up was a huge mistake? What if I wasn't worthy of my dream?
The second payment was the outcome of the interview. We want to give you the job of your dreams, but only you'll have to share it with someone else, and we are not offering you enough for you to be able to support yourself. If you take the job, your dream will come true, but you'll also have to struggle to find a way to meet your living expenses. What is more important to you: a great job in a motivating work atmosphere, in a city that you love, or a steady financial situation?
I got the bloody visa from the Down-to-earth Office. I didn't go. I can't deal with hardships and debts. It was too risky, and I needed comfort, materially and emotionally. I stayed with my closest friends and relatives, even though the range of possibilities is much more limited.
"Aahh, miss, but what were you thinking, dreaming like a lunatic? You can't ask for the moon...
Come on, here, blow your nose now, and think about it all, ok?"
grrmpphhmphh... ain't bothered, i'll do it again anyway...